"You were setting yourself up for failure!" she said, rolling her eyes. She continued reading then said, with a measure of compassion, "Oh my gosh, you actually did all of this."
It's been a normal joke between the two of us that I have put a lot of undue pressure on myself throughout life. The item I had written about money was a good illustration of how I often think. I had written a personal financial road-map to get out of debt and save, save, save so that when I had kids, I wouldn't have to worry about money. Honestly, it was a very smart plan. It was a plan I spent years living by.
The only thing is...life isn't about plans.
The financial thing is just one example of high standards I set for myself. I had plenty of others. I wanted to eat healthily. I wanted to exercise and be fit. I wanted to serve in the church. To repair my car myself. To fix my house myself. I wanted to support my wife so she never had anything missing. I wanted to be successful at work. I wanted to support my family. I wanted to be a huge support to my friends. And in all things...to do it all perfectly.
Having goals and aspirations is normal, of course! Planning and being responsible is normal (though sadly not widespread it seems)! The thing I realized, as I was looking for the sand in my foundation, is that I made huge goals and I expected perfection of myself. Mix this in with a hurting heart and heavy depression and I had a kobayashi maru (an unwinnable situation) on my hands.
You see, being responsible and having goals are not bad things. Expecting perfection of yourself is. Life is not perfect. Life is not a slab of marble you may sculpt to your desire. Life moves, changes. I built my life expecting that everything would hold still and if I applied myself enough, the result would be perfect. The truth is that life is like making a castle out of sand. Things shift, dry out, and you have to adapt, change the plans and work with it.
Have you ever seen a perfectionist make a sand castle? It can be very funny to watch. Funny, that is, until they throw the buckets into the sea and walk back to the car, cursing with each step. And, metaphorically, that's where I ended up with my life - sitting in a car, sunburnt, upset, covered in sand with nothing to show for it.
So may you set goals for yourself. May you be responsible and try to do a good job. Yet may you also learn the rule of "good enough". If you are prone to self-criticism and depression as I am, may you learn to give yourself credit for what you are doing and what you have done. May your meager accomplishments become satisfying because you know you're working with sand sometimes, not marble. May you become stronger and more secure by realizing it's okay to be frail and weak and human.
Coming soon, Perfection is Overrated, Part 2 - The Bucket
