The Danger for Bridge-Builders

After almost two years of reflection of my life, I found one term that really identified with my heart of hearts: Bridge Builder.

This started long ago for me; twenty years, in fact. As is common for many people, I grew up in a family where my mother and father did not communicate well. Truth be told, my father doesn't communicate with anyone well - he communicates at, not with. He was a hurting person seeking his dreams, seeking to be understood, however he felt the solutions were that others around him needed to think, live and be different.

My family started to crumble very early on, and the reasons aren't important. (Side note: my mother is a valiant spirit and I cannot express my admiration enough as she sought to bring healing then and in the years that followed). The reasons weren't important but as I looked at my life I saw that what happened to me at that time was very important.

Being a compassionate person is a beautiful thing. Being compassionate yet also severely insecure can be a curse. When I was old enough to recognize what was going on with my family it caused a break inside. A little crack in the foundation started. As most boys do, I wanted my father's approval and admiration. He was dissatisfied with his life, though, so rare were the times when he was at ease and happy. Being far too empathetic and sensitive to his dissatisfaction, I projected his feelings upon myself and felt that it was rare when he felt happy with me. It is so sad how often this happens with children.

As I grew older and began to mature in my thinking and beliefs, I started to take an active approach to try to bring healing to the family. I became a bridge-builder. I became an interpreter of my father to my family. I would interject when he seemed upset or angry and attempt to show that I understood how he felt, and explain it to my family. Feeling somewhat understood and justified, my father would typically calm down and the conversations would take an upswing. This continued after he moved out of the home, during my years at college and years afterward. I made myself his bridge to my family - one which tried to keep everyone connected.

The problem with this behavior was that I became what a bridge is - a footpath, something walked over. I made myself a means to an end. A bridge that sways, where boards break, where the ropes come unraveled is useless so I had to be strong, had to keep firm, steady and reliable.

I spent so much time being a strong bridge that I never filled the crack in my foundation. The insecure boy who needed his father's approval never healed. I became strong for him and for my family...yet every time I saw him and spoke with him, I longed to know I was a man. Accepted. Worthy. Ignoring those feelings only made them grow - made the crack in my personal foundation expand

I made myself a strong bridge to substitute a feeling of connection for actual connection. I found a way to ease strife in the home but never took time to tend and protect my own wounds. I turned myself into a tool rather than being the hurting person I was because I thought it would make things better.

Being understanding, listening and encouraging healing between others are all wonderful things! My warning is simply this: don't set yourself aside when doing so. I disengaged my heart so I could take on this role and it became easy feeling numb to the situation, to the crying boy inside.

Being numb is not being healed.

If you are a bridge builder, encourage yourself to place a "guardian" on your bridge. The guardian stops travelers at the entrance and tells them they may only pass if. The if is what you know you need: respect, recognition as a person, healing, anything. Your guardian must be courageous and strong to show travelers  that there are rules and should they not be followed, that the bridge will be closed.

The guardian is you. For your own good you must take a stand and say, "this bridge has an owner, and his rules must be obeyed." The practice is not as much for the travelers as it is for yourself. You are a person of unique creation and worth, filled with a compassionate and caring heart and you need to be courageous in valuing and respecting who you are as you interact with others. Placing a guardian on your bridge forces you to recognize the importance of your own self, to see that you are not just a tool, a means to an end.

Never be only a bridge. Don't numb yourself and say "I'm okay, I can handle this, this will make it better for everyone" if you have a weak foundation. Trying to be the sure footing for others is impossible if your bridge is pulling away from its anchors. You must remember that you need to protect and always strengthen your foundations. Let your guardian close the bridge if work needs to be done.

As for me, my guardian is in place. The foundation cracked on this bridge and it is not safe to travel. I recognize my hurt now, I recognize my wounds and I know I need to heal. My bridge is closed and should it ever be rebuilt, it will look much different and there will be many rules - both for the safety of any travelers, and for myself.